One of the Al-Anon meetings I go to is in conjunction with ACOA (Adult Children Of Alcoholics) group. Though I am not an ACOA myself, I find the fellowship very helpful because some of my childhood experience is similar to that of people who grew up in alcoholic households. Al-Anon/ACOA meetings provide a safe place where I can share my struggle with people who understand the effect of physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual trauma in childhood that followed us all the way into adulthood.

I’m struggling with a boundary issue now and I had a chance to talk about it in the meeting this weekend. We don’t cross talk, give advice, or make direct comments on what other people share in the group. But a lady related my story to her own experience, which in turn resonated with me. I will just call her Rachel here.

Rachel lost her grandmother to brain tumor when she was a child. Grandmother was in her late 60’s when she passed away. Within the last three month of her life, someone broke into her house and raped her. Because Rachel was so young at the time, she was told grandmother was “attacked” and thought she had been beaten.

It was only in the last couple of years Rachel found out through her mother what really happened. Understandably the truth was devastating to Rachel.

But the story does not end there. After the incident grandmother told Rachel’s mother that she was glad it happened to her. She said “I’m glad he did it to me and not to a young girl who has to live with it for the rest of her life”…

Shit happens. Unthinkable, horrible shit happens to good people all the time. It feels almost natural to be crashed by tragedies we don’t deserve to be a part of. Yet the Christ-like strength and grace the old lady displayed from her deathbed gives me courage.

Rachel said her grandmother did not let what happened to her define who she is. This reminded me of a passage from one of the opening statements of ACOA meeting, “The Solution”.

You will become an adult who is imprisoned no longer by childhood reactions.

The past seems to have an overwhelming influence over the present and the future. I experience high level of anxiety when I try to act in spite of, rather than to react in accordance with, what is familiar, my past.

I feel a sense of entitlement to react negatively to negative happenings in my life. However nothing remarkable will be achieved when I cling onto what is rightfully mine, including hurt, anger, resentment, and fear.

I pray that I may courageously choose the way of life by the spirit of my savior, who laid down all his right for the sake of others.