Christmas Eve

I had a really good Christmas Eve. In the morning Stephanie called me and we went out to get breakfast at Zingerman's in down town. She is moving into her new apartment now, and stopped by at my place during a trip between her parent's house and the new apartment. I was so glad she called, because we don't really get to hang out in one-on-one basis in our small groups or at church.

At Zingerman's, Stephanie got a pecan and cherry denish, which I must get next time. I had a wopping breakfast BLT sandwitch. It's basically BLT with egg, complete with a load of mayonaise and butter on the toast. Hmmm. Gotta love the artery cloggers.

While we were waiting for our orders, we looked around the store and saw $400 vintage vinegers locked up in a cabinet. I have no desire of ever getting it for myself or for somebody else, but I just want to know who buys that for what occasion. Do they use it for salad, or just sip it, or what? According to a lady who works there, "People afford what they want to afford. Some people have to have a car that costs 400,000 dollars, and other people get 400 dollar vinegar". Well, I guess so. Not surprisingly, $400 vinegar was not out for sampling, but Stephanie tried $30 olive oil with a piece of bread (I had a gum in my mouth, so I didn't try it. Darn). She said it was frutier than regular olive oil. I could see myself getting $30 olive oil as a gift, granted that the person has the appreciation for it.

Then we walked to the Acme Marchandise on Liberty. Stephanie helped me pick a gift there. I really like that store. They have tons of neat stuff I would never get for myself. But it's a good place to shop for a gift for the very reason. I like to give gifts that people enjoy, but would not buy for themselves.

We swang by Ann Arbor Art Center to see if Angela was working. She wasn't working then, but we saw some more cool stuff there, too. I didn't know Angela worked so close to my house. Just knowing that she works there makes the area of the city special to me. These areas made special by my friend's presence are increasing, as I get to know more people through the Vineyard community. Even if my friends are not there at the moment and I'm just driving by, I think about them when I'm near these areas and somehow feel safe. Loving thoughts about my friends evoked by these places guard my heart against random negative thoughts that could be going through my mind.

I used to think the notion of some places being "haunted" or "sacred" was superstitious. Now I think what goes on in a particular place could have a spiritual impact on people who enter there. So it's not meaningless to avoid places where I know bad stuff happen. Conversely, I like to make an effort to be in places where I can be positively influenced. It made me very happy when Garrett mentioned that he sensed a welcoming vibe in my apartment. I hope it will be like that for everybody who comes to my place.

In the evening, I went to the Christmas Eve celebration at Vineyard. I sat with Rochelle, Lori, and Jon. I wanted to prepare myself spiritually for the celebration, but I was running around like a head-less chicken all day, and I barely made it on time for the service. The celebration was sweet nonetheless. I looked around and at my friends, and was overcome by the feeling of happiness. It was amazing to be able to celebrate the birth of my savior with people I love very much.

Al-Anon Christmas Party


I went to the Friday night Al-Anon meeting for the first time in a long time. Since my trip back to Japan, I've not been going to a lot of meetings. We had a fairly small group tonight. Probably many people were out of town for Christmas holiday. After the meeting, we all went to one of the core member's house for the group's Christmas party. I didn't know about the party at all, but decided to go along.

I thought it was incredible that this guy opened up his house for the Al-Anon group. Al-Anon by its principal places high value in anonymity, and also you just don't know what sort of circumstances people are coming from to these meetings. So inviting those people into where you live is a very trusting act. The house was gorgeous, and I really enjoyed the company dispite a minor stomachache (I ate too much sushi for dinner. I think I sat them outside for too long or something). You get to see different sides of people when you see them outside of the meeting. It's kind of like seeing people out side of church.

I was really glad that I went tonight. God helped me to reconnect with people, and that makes it much easier for me to get back into the swing of things. I've decided a while ago to stick to the program, at the very least until I finish working all twelve step once. But I was having a hard time reestablishing the habit after being out of it for a while. Actually, I almost didn't go tonight. I was drugging my feet until about 8:30, then finally pulled myself up and went, even though I was going to be late.

I felt that God wanted me to learn more through the program, but I've just been lazy. So I told Him all I'm doing tonight is taking myself to the meeting, and He has to make th rest happen. And He did. I don't want to overtask myself about it, but I want to try doing at least one thing for the program everyday. It can be a reading, step work journal, or going to a meeting. Like they say, I'll work on it one day at a time.

2005

The year 2005 is winding down, but not slowly. This year has picked up around mid-year, and kept accelerating for me. I don’t think I ever had a year that was more eventful than this one. A LOT happened, but I dare say there were more good than bad. I honestly didn’t think I’d be able to say that before. It’s totally by grace.

It really was an exciting year for me. Many good things that have happened weren’t just one-time-events, but the beginnings of something truly wonderful. Joining Ann Arbor Vineyard was probably the most significant event of the year, because it introduced me to people who have become the friends of my life. And I am SO excited about my small groups. I can’t wait to see what God will unfold in this wonderful community He has invited me in.

Speaking of life altering encounters, being involved in the fellowship of Al-Anon has been very positive as well. Vineyard has provided me a tremendous amount of healing and encouragement, but I think I needed the discipline of Al-Anon to really grow. As things get better, I don’t feel as acute of a need for Al-Anon, but I like to work the program as diligently as I can. It will benefit me in the long run. I can see God using that to equip me to be a truly effective worker for Him.

The life worth living is not complete without the sense of purpose. God showered me with tons of love, encouragement and spiritual nurturing. But I’m truly blessed when I can love back and serve. JCFN has provided me the outlet for my serving needs. This ministry is special to me, because it has a place for me to serve as a Japanese woman living in the U.S. Especially after Nagiko got sick and had to withdraw from the conference committee, I felt a strong calling from God to step up to the plate. Of course I can’t fill even 1/10 of the gaping hole Nagiko left in that community. But through CC05, God showed me how he takes small bread and fish we offer and satisfies the multitudes. I’ve been blessed many many times over the amount I gave.

I used to get defensive when I hear 2 Corinthians 12:9: “But he said to me ‘my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness”. I felt like I was being told “You better be thankful all the time, even if your life sucks”. Now I look at it again, I pay more attention to the latter half of the verse, and then the first part of the verse comes with ease. His grace IS sufficient for me, for His power makes me whole in my weakness.

C20s Party (Cont’d)

So, some more about the C20’s Christmas party.

Before the party, Sarah called me and we got to pray together for the party. We prayed that we can throw a heck of a birthday party for Jesus, in which he’d enjoy himself and be pleased. We also prayed that God would start a new church, the body of Christ among us that night, and let His kingdom rise from the group. Oooooh, I got goose bumps when we were done praying. SO EXCITING!!!

After we all ate, talked, and played game for a while, we had a worship session followed by the communion. Garrett played guitar for us, and it was awesome. We didn’t even have any sheet music (of course I’m not that organized) but I felt a strong presence of the Holy Spirit. Josh and I talked about keeping it low-key, but I’m glad we got to do all that. I think God totally led us through the night.

Then we watched this DVD with a guy whose name I can’t recall. It was his monologue about a walk he took with his baby son in deep woods. Right when they got to the halfway point, it started raining like crazy. They both got soaked and the baby boy was screaming his head off in a backpack baby-carrier. So he took his son down from his back and clutched him tight against his heart. The whole way back he kept whispering into the boy’s ear “I love you buddy, we are gonna make it. Daddy knows the way back home…” The story reminded me that we often feel God’s presence the most during these stormy times in our lives. I just looked back and remembered the darkest times in my life, when all I could see was the rain, wind, and lightening. God held me so tight in his arms and whispered, “I love you. I’m gonna carry you through this. I know the way out, even if you don’t. So don’t worry” (I was still screaming my head off, though). He could’ve just watched me struggle from the heaven. But he chose to come down and go through the storm with me… Anyway, I thought the DVD was very appropriate for the group.

I really pray that this group would be some place where people come together and get connected to God and to each other. I want us to be extra open to those who are lonely, hurting, confused, or lost. All of us go through the time of difficulties, but none of us is called to do it alone.

C20s Christmas Party (Mostly about my beloved Lori, Carey, and Vanessa)

I had so much fun at the C20s Christmas party last night. We had just right number of people, I think. There were a couple people there who had never been to either one of our small groups (women’s or co-ed). I hope they find their way back to join us for the small groups, too.

I was also really happy that Lori, Carey, and Vanessa could come, because I haven't seen them much lately, or I will not get to see them much in the future. Lori goes to the Saturday night celebration, so I haven’t seen her since the Alpha course ended. She gave me this hand-made Christmas card with mice on it. It was the cutest card ever! She is such a neat person. I’m going to come up with any excuse and get to know her more.

I hadn’t seen Carey in a while, either, because I went home over Thanksgiving and missed a couple of small groups and Sundays after I came back. Now she has moved to Farmington Hills, and won’t be coming to our group or to Ann Arbor Vineyard. I miss her! She brought Steve with her, and it was cool to finally meet him in person, because we’ve heard so much about him. And they just got engaged the night before!! Steve made Carey a super cute scrapbook that had pictures from the time they started dating and the night they got engaged (they started dating in high school). The last page of the book had a flap, and when Carey opened it, she found the engagement ring in a little compartment under that. I was so touched. I don’t know any other guy who would do something like that. That’s like totally out of a storybook. How could she say no after that!? Well, she knew he was the love of her life for a long time anyway, though. Their relationship is really inspiring. The way they care about and respect each other is really precious.

I have to admit that I’m very disappointed about Vanessa’s visa falling through. I really like her, and was looking forward to spending more time with her. But I’m glad she is at peace about it. She seemed very happy to be able to go home. The whole Alpha weekend was amazing, but the walk Vanessa and I took in the woods was definitely one of the highlights of that retreat for me. It was a perfect autumn day with clear sky, gentle breeze and golden filed. We sat down on a log by the field and prayed for each other. I’ve only known her for a short period of time, but I felt connected with her after that. Even the fact we got lost in the woods and wondered around aimlessly for a couple hours adds to the special memory. We came out of the woods to a beautiful horse barn, where we asked a really nice lady how to get back to the campsite, and Jamie, Asa, and Rachel came to get us in Asa’s car… She is going home to Peru this Sunday.

The Christmas party was great all around. I want to write more about it, but I think the rest should go on a separate entry.

Wanting to Be Her

When I tried to come up with a title to this blog, “Wanting to Be Her” popped into my head. This is actually the title of a book we read in our C20s Women’s small group. The book talked about the image of women society imposes on us, vs. how God has created us. It had really profound effect on me. And this blog entry is sort of like a record of “a princess in the making”; how God is leading me to become who He has intended me to be one day.

I’m going to a retreat in California next week, called Equipper Conference (EQ) organized by Japanese Christian Fellowship Network (JCFN). I’ve been involved with JCFN’s Midwest division, but had never been to their national conference. So I’m very excited about it. So much so that I got completely carried away and signed up for a bunch of service works that are conflicting each other. Yes, I should’ve checked the schedule first (which they sent to me in advance), but I was too lazy.

Obviously, I wasn’t thinking when I signed up for them, but the gravity of each service work dawned on me when I started receiving e-mails from service coordinators. I realized how much commitment each service required. They are all crucial to the success of the conference, and should not be taken lightly. Besides, I created more problems for the coordinators by over-volunteering, because they have to make adjustments to the service schedule they are maintaining. It’s better not to volunteer than to volunteer and pull out later, you know?

So I had to reflect on my attitude towards service work. Am I approaching it with sufficient reverence? Is my motivation for volunteering based on the love for Christ? Am I spiritually prepared to take on these tasks?

Then this morning God spoke to me through a devotional Sarah sent me. It was good to ponder on the principle of service work, but now it's time for me to get over feeling guilty and stupid. We gotta get going here. The devotional was by Max Lucado, titled “Christ in Me”.

“…What would that be like? To have a child within is a miracle, but to have Christ within? To have my voice, but him speaking. My steps, but Christ leading. My heart, but his love beating in me, through me, with me.

What's it like to have Christ on the inside? To tap his strength when mine expires or feel the force of heaven's fires raging, purging wrong desires. Could Christ become my self entire? …”

The part about heaven’s fire purging wrong desires, prevailing Christ, hit me close to home. Lately I haven’t bee feeling as though I’m filled by Christ. But regardless of the state that I’m in, God has called me to serve Him and His people in this conference. The One who has started the good works within me will bring them to completion, despite my infirmities. I just need to be open to God and say "Behold, the bond-slave of the Lord; may it be done to me according to your word"(Luke 1:38), like Mary did. l Praise God for my inability to mess up His plan! I really want to recognize that this conference and my part in it belong to God, and turn over the ownership to Him.

By the way, the theme of this conference is “Love Incarnated – This is the way you live”. And the theme verse is Ephesians 5:1-2:

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

How cool is that?

The Benefit of the Doubt

I think people give me a lot of benefit of the doubt at work. I felt it strongly this morning. It turned out to be fine, but I (and other people) thought I made a pretty major mistake. This one guy in particular spent half an hour making phone calls to fix the problem I created. Then when we found out that it was nothing, he was really nice about it.

I felt kind of guilty, because I snapped at him a few days ago. That was one of those days that everybody’s purpose on this earth seems to be making life difficult for me. It had to be hormonal. Maybe I was ovulating (I know I get uncontrollably irritable when I’m ovulating, which makes no biological sense at all. Why would I get cranky when my body is prepping to get pregnated? That’s not a good way to attract a potential gene contributor!) I snapped at my customer over e-mail, I snapped at my co-workers, and I snapped at my boss. It got so bad that I even e-mailed Sarah and asked her to pray.

That one day actually wasn’t the only day that I was not as nice as I should be at work. I realized the way I perceive my co-workers is greatly influenced by the way my friend who used to work with me talked about them. She arrived there a year or so after I got hired there, and we became very good friends. We hung out outside of work a lot, and often talked about people at work. There was a lot of gossiping, and I must admit that it was fun. But it had a very negative effect on me. Until then I really didn’t dislike anybody at work, but after hearing negative things about people, I started being irritated by them, too. These negative characters we talked about were probably there from the beginning, but they just didn’t bother me before I verbally acknowledged them. I need to be more aware of the power of spoken words, in both positive and negative ways.

Anyway, I want to hold on tight on days like today, when people show me extra kindness and patience, so when they are having a bad day (like I did), I can pull out that love out of storage and bestow it upon them.

Ice Worm

This morning on MPR, I heard a talk about Ice Worms living in the Arctic. As their name suggests, these peculiar creatures thrive under the climate much below 0 degree. They hide in their borrows dug in ice during the day, and come out at night when the temperature drops (as if it wasn’t cold enough already in the Arctic). Apparently Ice Worms have kind of a reverse metabolism system from most living organisms. If I dip in ice-cold water, my metabolism slow down and I die. But if Ice Worms do the same, their metabolism speed up. The colder it gets, the more energetic they become. I didn’t know there were any such animals!

The moral (?) of this story by MPR is that the global warming has caused the ice in the Arctic to melt at a rapid rate, and endangering neat creatures like Ice Worms and the polar bears to go extinct. It’s sometimes hard to feel the green house effect in Michigan during winter. But when I hear a story like that, it makes me want to do whatever I can to preserve amazing creations God has put on the earth.

All We Need To Do

I was talking to Sarah on the way back from work the other day, and she shared with me something really cool: Lately Jesus has been showing up everywhere in her life. Sometimes it’s just for a second or so, but Sarah hears and sees him clearly when she is praying, reading the Bible, or just going around engaging in a random life stuff. What did she have to do to receive such an incredible spiritual gift? All she did was ask: She just asked that Jesus would reveal more of His presence in her life. So He did. Amazing.

Of course we should work hard to attain maturity and discipline. But it appears as though to receive the most precious gifts in the world, all God requires of us is to ask. God would give us something so significant as the eternal life, when we ask for it. He doesn’t even seem to require that we have complete faith, in order to receive gifts from Him. Faith is also a gift from him.

God is overflowing with grace. By definition, grace is undeserved gift that is freely given to us. This is a basic fact of Christianity, yet how easy it is to forget that. Why am I not asking Him for more faith, love, purity, wisdom and strength? Do I feel too unworthy to ask? Am I afraid to be disappointed? What have I got to lose? Sarah said she feels like she is really getting to know Jesus for the first time. She has had a relationship with Jesus, and it has been intimate. But her passion for Him is now renewed by increased presence of Jesus in her life. They are in the honeymoon again, and are just very excited about getting closer to each other. Ooooh, I think I’m missing out!! I want my first love for Jesus renewed, too!!!!

Lord, I ask that you fill my life with your presence. Reign over my thoughts, words and actions. I want more of you in me, Jesus. Help me to trust in you. Let me love people as you love them, and accept the unconditional love from you. I pray in your precious name, Jesus, for you have afforded me the privilege to ask.

About the Paradox of Our Savior

Christianity is a religion of Paradox. I think C. S. Lewis wrote extensively on that subject. Jesus’s life was imbedded in paradoxes from its beginning to the end. With Christmas approaching, I’ve been thinking a lot about his birth and the reason he came.

Yesterday morning Sarah forwarded me a “Purpose Driven Life Devotional” by John Fischer that talked about three wise men and their understanding of Christ’s roll on this earth. It was titled “Obedient Unto Death”:

“Three gifts the wise men brought. The idea that there were three of them comes from the gifts, not the number of kings. They brought gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. Of these gifts, two were fit for royalty, but the third was a bitter omen. In Jesus' day, bodies were wrapped in myrrh for burial. Myrrh's pungent odor neutralized the smell of decomposing flesh. Thus, even the gifts that were brought to the Christ child announced His ultimate purpose. This was not some cruel joke; the wise men understood why this king had come...

...With all of this ahead for the little Christ child, it makes you realize how wise these wise men really were. A lot wiser than we give them credit for. They knew enough to strike out on this mysterious journey that most likely took a number of years to complete. They knew enough to know that the child would be a king. But they also knew that it would be in the stone-cold grip of the grave that this child's greatest work would be accomplished.”

It was cool to read this devotional yesterday morning, because I was just thinking about the paradoxical way God used to bring us salvation through Jesus the night before; how he triumphed over death by dying. And it couldn’t be just an ordinary death, but it had to be a particularly horrible death on the corss.

Then it led me to think about the way God brings redemptions in the lives of alcoholics and drug addicts:

Addiction got to be one of the worst curses the enemy has casted upon humanity. Addictive substances kill addicts’ physical body, as well as their personality and spirituality. People who are involved in addicts’ lives are also profoundly affected. The agonizing thing for those who love addicts is that there is nothing they can do to stop the self-destructive behavior of the addicts: They just have to watch good people turn into monsters, and eventually destroy themselves and those around them. Nonetheless many friends and family members of addicts try everything they can think of to gain control over the demon of addiction. By reacting to a desparately insane situations with desparate actions, they too, become insane.

It is said that the desease of addiction can be arrested but not be cured. There is no drug or therapy that can effectively remedy the desease. The only treatment that has shown a high rate of success is the Twelve Step Program developed by Alcholic Anonymous. And just being in the program doesn’t promise addicts the success of their recovery. They have to work the program willingly, deligently, and for an extended period of time to see the result. Above all, they must accept that they are powerless over their desease of addiciton, and need God (or Higher Power, as they say) to restore them to sanity. Early on in their program, they go through an intensive process to turn their lives and care over to God. GOD IS THEIR ONLY HOPE.

Drug addiction must have come straight from the heart of hell. But I’ve seen God work in the midst of undescribable misery and hopelessness caused by addiction. Through addiction and recovery from it, often people who were walking furthest away from God were brought back to the eterenal life. Paster Ken at Ann Arbor Vineyard Church once said that the Twelve Step Program came straight from the heart of God. I belive that earnestly. Because the effect of addiction is so devastating, the grace of God that provides healing is ever more precious. God’s way of taking the enemy’s worst weapon and turn it around to reveal His love is consistant with the stragegy of the Cross.

Isaiah 53
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.

My Commute

I’m really blessed with my commuting route. I get on Miller road in down town Ann Arbor, and take it all the way to Dexter. It’s mostly woody with a farm that grows corn and pumpkin, and a few houses with amazing gardens. Every year, I’m overjoyed by the sight of trees coming back to life in brilliant green in spring, and wildflowers blooming everywhere in summer. And of course colors in fall are just breaths taking.

What is so special about all these natural beauty in my commute is that I get to experience them somewhat privately with God in my car. As much as I enjoy sharing them with somebody, there is something special in a way God touches me when I’m surrounded by His creations, alone. When the beauty of his creation overwhelms me, I can’t help but to lift up His name in praise. The reaction is automatic, and there is no effort involved on my part.

It is such a blessing, because I don’t take enough time to drop whatever I’m doing and just adore Him. Regardless of what else is going on in my life, commute happens everyday, and God utilizes that time to catch up with me; even though I’m not setting aside this time to dedicate only for Him. I shouldn’t use this as an excuse not to make an effort to set aside some time for God, but it is nice to remember that He pursues me. From the day one in our relationship, God was crazy about me before I became crazy about Him. But sometimes I buy into the lie that if I’m not trying my hardest to please Him, He would pull away from me. God has repeatedly dispelled that lie by reaching out to me, when I wasn’t reaching out to Him. Praise God for His love for me doesn’t depend on the level of my performance. I pray that I can always remember that and accept His unconditional love.

This blessing was especially apparent to me this morning. I had a very free night last night, without any thing or place I had to attend to (it’s very rare). So I thought I would spend some quality time with God, which hasn’t been happening much lately. But as soon as I got into bed, where I was going to read the Bible, etc, I fell asleep. I should’ve known better than to try doing devotion in my bed, but it was only 9:30 or so! Anyway, so I was feeling pretty inadequate about my spiritual life this morning. Then God kissed me good morning with His beautiful creations during my drive to work. We had a ton of snow yesterday and everything was covered with the magical white substance. The sun had not risen completely yet, but it was light enough out while I was driving. A soft shade of blue immersed the world, and the pearly full moon was shining in the middle of the blue gray sky. It looked surreally beautiful, framed by delicate branches of winter trees covered with snow frosting.

Everything was utterly perfect, and completely beyond my imagination. Though out of practice, I’m still an artist at heart, and I love it when I get in touch with God’s character as the master artist. When I looked at the each object in the scene separately, it was probably not the way I would’ve had them to be, had I had a control over them. But together, they composed an amazingly harmonious beauty. If the trees were in any lighter shade of brown, or sky was in any more crisp blue, they wouldn’t have produced such a balance of unity and contrast.

I realized that God often works in a similar way with events in our lives. Some events in my life were darker or less exciting than I wanted them to be. But I’d like to remember that these events are like small blobs of paints in God’s masterpiece, which is meant to be seen from a heavenly perspective.

Psalm 8

1 O LORD, our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth!
You have set your glory
above the heavens.

2 From the lips of children and infants
you have ordained praise
because of your enemies,
to silence the foe and the avenger.

3 When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,

4 what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?