One of the Al-Anon meetings I go to is in conjunction with ACOA (Adult Children Of Alcoholics) group. Though I am not an ACOA myself, I find the fellowship very helpful because some of my childhood experience is similar to that of people who grew up in alcoholic households. Al-Anon/ACOA meetings provide a safe place where I can share my struggle with people who understand the effect of physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual trauma in childhood that followed us all the way into adulthood.

I’m struggling with a boundary issue now and I had a chance to talk about it in the meeting this weekend. We don’t cross talk, give advice, or make direct comments on what other people share in the group. But a lady related my story to her own experience, which in turn resonated with me. I will just call her Rachel here.

Rachel lost her grandmother to brain tumor when she was a child. Grandmother was in her late 60’s when she passed away. Within the last three month of her life, someone broke into her house and raped her. Because Rachel was so young at the time, she was told grandmother was “attacked” and thought she had been beaten.

It was only in the last couple of years Rachel found out through her mother what really happened. Understandably the truth was devastating to Rachel.

But the story does not end there. After the incident grandmother told Rachel’s mother that she was glad it happened to her. She said “I’m glad he did it to me and not to a young girl who has to live with it for the rest of her life”…

Shit happens. Unthinkable, horrible shit happens to good people all the time. It feels almost natural to be crashed by tragedies we don’t deserve to be a part of. Yet the Christ-like strength and grace the old lady displayed from her deathbed gives me courage.

Rachel said her grandmother did not let what happened to her define who she is. This reminded me of a passage from one of the opening statements of ACOA meeting, “The Solution”.

You will become an adult who is imprisoned no longer by childhood reactions.

The past seems to have an overwhelming influence over the present and the future. I experience high level of anxiety when I try to act in spite of, rather than to react in accordance with, what is familiar, my past.

I feel a sense of entitlement to react negatively to negative happenings in my life. However nothing remarkable will be achieved when I cling onto what is rightfully mine, including hurt, anger, resentment, and fear.

I pray that I may courageously choose the way of life by the spirit of my savior, who laid down all his right for the sake of others.

Spark!

Every year I become electrified starting right around this time.

Woe to static I zap and get zapped by everybody/thing I come in contact with. My hair flares out as if I’m possessed.

Wearing synthetic clothing is a bad news. But a lot of times I have no choice. My fleece sweater is way warmer than cotton. I’m slightly allergic to wool, so that’s not an option for me. And my work uniform is… I don’t know what it is, but definitely made from some form of petroleum.

What do you call that chain-like thing some people put on their cars to release static electricity? Is something like that sold for humans??

In case somebody’s contemplating a random act of kindness, getting me one of those would be highly recommended.

Red Sea

Strunny forwarded me a devotional titled “Move On!”

It talked about how God (not so gently) urged Israelites to go on when they quite literally dead-ended in front of the Red Sea.

What was inspiring to me was how the author related his own experience of going through a divorce to that biblical event.

As a prominent Christian leader, no doubt he suffered intense shame and the sense of failure. I imagine he almost felt disqualified to be involved with any ministry activities.

But his friend told him to get it together and move on;

"You must not withdraw from being proactive in your faith just because of this trial that you are in. God's hand is on your life. There are too many who are depending on you to fulfill the purposes God has in your life. Keep moving! Keep investing yourself in others."

What a friend! I pray God will send someone like him for my time of trial, and make me be that person for others, too.

I used to think of “getting past ourselves” as leaving behind our ego or pride. The devotional taught me that we must also leave behind our shame and inequities for the sake of the Lord.

Thankfully I’m not faced with any major hardship at the moment, but surely I will come to a Red Sea some time. I might mess up so badly I would feel like I should drop off the face of God’s kingdom.

I hope to remember then that my failure cannot be a reason why God’s work should be stunted.

Honey On My Lips

“Ye of little faith”

Whenever I heard it, I always used to flinch.

It sounded to me like a condemnation, almost a rejection. I felt convicted even when those words were directed to the disciples or somebody else.

Last night a friend of ours was telling us about a dream job he just got after a long and grueling search.

“It’s totally like ‘Ye of little faith’, you know?” he said.

I know. And those words didn’t make me flinch for some reason. Instead, it cleared the fog of doubt and anxiety I’ve been feeling for a while.

“I knew God can provide, but I just didn’t see the light on the other side of the tunnel, and my hope was draining,” our friend went on.

Yes, that’s how I’ve been feeling though it’s not about my job.

I knew God was talking to me through that friend. Using the phrase that once made me fearful and ashamed, He gave me hope and reassurance.

It’s a moment like this I’m reminded of the living nature of God’s word. The content of the Word has remained the same but it speaks different things to different people, according to the unique situation each of us are in at the time.

There are many verses in the Bible that scare the living crap out of me still. But God has demonstrated even harsh scolding can lead one to life when it comes out of Him.

So paradoxical and so God. After all He is the master of all words and He is the Word.

May His Word always turn to honey on my lips and nourish me within, even when they sound harsh to my ears.