Remembering how she laughed

Have you noticed a particular way someone says a particular word, and you picked it up? It happens to me a lot.

I had a Spanish teacher in collage, who adds “no?” at the end of the sentence in stead of saying “isn’t it?” or “right?” She told us she picked it up from her Spanish teacher. And I picked it up, too. I tried it once just to see how it feels in my mouth, and haven’t been able to get rid of it since. That’s ok, though. I know it’s a little strange in English, but “no?” feels a little softer than “isn’t it?” or “right?” to me (probably because my Spanish teacher was a soft-spoken person. I associate “no?” with her speech in general). Besides, it’s shorter and easier.

One of my best friends told me she loves my gagging laugh. I inhale and make gagging sound when I’m laughing. I hadn’t realize I was laughing like that until she told me. I loved her for loving my strange laugh. That makes me love my laugh, too.

Probably these are the kind of idiosyncrasies people will remember me by.

I was thinking about Lisa, the girl I never got to know in VY. Pastor Ken told us about the condolence Lisa’s cousin gave in the funeral: she said, “I’m scared of forgetting Lisa’s laugh. Please don’t forget her laugh”…

I used to be really scared of forgetting Nagiko. I was scared that her memory would slip away from me over time. So I tried holding on to traces of her as tight as I can. On my bedroom wall, I put up framed prints of colorful coke bottles and Andy Warhal’s Marilyn Monroe. They used to hang on her bedroom wall. I’ve kept all the magazines and letters and post cards she gave me. I didn’t even erase a copy of my own “sent” e-mail to her, which I never got a reply for.

I heard about parents who keep their children’s room just the way they left it for years after the children have died. As if they still live there.

6 months passed, Nagiko has shown no sign of fading so far. I still don’t feel like she is gone. Somebody said to me he keeps coming up with things he wants to talk to Nagiko about, and then realizes he can’t. He asked me if that happens to me, too. I said I talk to her a lot; perhaps more often than when she was with us.

If I’m in denial, I don’t know. I’m in no hurry to find out.