Chutzpah

I actually started writing this blog entry about a month ago, and have never finished it. I'm salvaging it from my "(dead) draft folder", because the topic has become relevant in my life again.

I read something really cool about Chutzpah on my friend Kuriko's blog. The word Chutzpah derives from Yiddish used by Jewish people from Eastern Europe, and can be translated as something like "almost audacious persistence or gustiness". Here is the link to the Wikipedia's explanation on this word.

When I saw Kuriko's translation of Chutzpah, the story of Jacob immediately came to my mind. As much as I would hate to have a brother like him, Jacob's nerve to wrestle God is really inspiring. His amazing persistence probably did not come from his belief that he deserves the blessing, but from the belief, who he was wrestling with is capable of giving the blessing. Jacob didn't encounter God at the highest point in his life; rather, he was tired and afraid. But maybe it was because he was in a rough shape, he held on as desperately as he did to the only hope he had.

It's hard for me to hold on to God when I don't have all of my ducks in a row. There is a Japanese saying, "reliance on god in the time of trouble", which implies the human tendency to get religious ONLY when things are tough. It has become a pesky little voice in my head, inducing the feeling of guilt and keeping me from seeking God for help, when I haven't prayed a while, skipped church, or my Bible is collecting dust. I don't know if similar expressions like this exist in English, but I'm sure English and Japanese speakers alike suffer the same guilt complex. During the EC, one speaker commented on the above saying and asked "If you don't rely on God in a time of trouble, what are you going to rely on?" Duh.

I also feel as though I'm not entitled to ask God for help when I haven't been particularly obedient. If there was an area of my life that needs to be taken care of, I feel like God would withhold his help/blessings for other areas of my life until I get the issue resolved. Sometime there are things I do or don't do that keep me from receiving blessings God is itching to give. But that's not always the case. It's so obvious I'm not expected to be perfect, but how easy it is to believe in that lie!

When I mess up and try to come before God to repent, I often feel like I'm not remorseful enough for my repentance to be accepted. This is another word in Japanese that has haunted me for years. Japanese word for repentance is "Kui-Aratame". "Kui" stands for being sorry for what one has done. And "Aratame" is the change in one's action from the point forward. So if I couldn't say with my good conscience I will not repeat the same offense again, I feel like my repentance is vain. This way of thinking tends to frustrates me to the point I'd say "to heck with it" and give up repenting all together. Over the years I'm slowly learning all I could do (and required) is just to come to God and ask for his mercy.

Wow, I just read over what I wrote and there are many "I feel like blah blah blah (but they are not true)" statements. I see how my "feelings" have been the stronghold for the lies from the enemy in many situations. I should pray for wisdom to see the truth beyond what I feel at the time, and discernment to know what is and is not from God.

Dear God, help me to remember that even when I think I'm doing everything right, I'm no where near achieving your standard. In fact, there probably isn't a whole a lot of difference in your eyes when I'm at my best and at my worst. I thank you for your favor is given unto me based not on my performance, but on your grace. Grant me the spirit of Jacob, the Chutzpah, so I may cling on to you with "almost audacious persistence", even when my ducks are scattered all over the map. I pray in the name of your son Jesus, who afforded me the right to come to you just as I am, Amen.