Showing Grace

The recurring theme in my life since the last week has been "showing grace" in relationships. Actually, the theme wasn't titled until this morning when I read Sarah's blog. She talked about a certain situation in which someone hurt her feelings. Instead of striking back, God led her to remain silent, telling her to "show grace" toward that person.

This reminded me of the situation I was in last week. I received a couple of e-mails from one of my co-workers, which I felt were unnecessarily hostile. I think I handled that situation pretty well, but I still felt the need to prove how wrong he was for doing that. So I talked about it with my boss and a couple of friends, though the whole time I felt God was telling me "You don't have to strike back, you don't even have to take offense".

Then yesterday, pastor Ken talked about relationships as "sacred grounds" where everything said and done there matters, because our God is the god of relationship. He is involved in every relationship there is, and that includes not just relationships with our family and friends, but also relationships with co-workers, classmates, and total strangers. I'm not beating myself up over an automatic reaction I had towards my co-worker's action, but it gave me something to think about.

Back trucking a little bit to Saturday morning, I woke up in a funky mood, and was feeling pretty wretched about amends I felt somebody owed me. It's an entirely different situation from the one I had with my co-worker, but similar in the way I feel justified to be resentful about. What bothers me the most, I realized, is the fact that I cannot prove to them their perception of me (whatever that may be, I actually don't know) is wrong. I picked up a daily prayer book for women, and read a chapter on "when I'm struggling with rejection". At the end, it said something like "I can't change what people say or think about me. But God, help me to find peace in knowing that You know who I am". After that I had a conversation with Garrett about this, and I realized how much I focus on hurtful experiences in the past to define who I am, while almost entirely ignoring affirmations my family and friends shower me with through their words and actions. Hmmm. This seems very much like a tactic of the enemy to distort my self-image.

Yesterday night, I discussed about it further with my sponsor Melody. She shared with me how her ex-husband never made amends to her about their broken marriage, even though she made an amends to him. She was resentful about it for a while, but realized later it was actually a backhanded favor for her, since that made it easier for her to leave the past behind and move on. She also reminded me that amends belong to the ones who make them, and it's none of my business whether or not they decide to make them to me. By making amends, people can be made right before God and those who they wronged. So amends are more for the offender's own benefit than for those who receive them. Melody didn't tell me what to do, but I understood that I can be set free when I quit taking somebody else's moral inventory and start caring for my own (which is in a dire need of maintenance).

Speaking of the moral inventory, what pastor Ken said on Sunday about how God grieves over negative things we do and say in our relationships hit me. In addition to showing grace, I have been struggling with various issues in my relationships with others. When I try avoiding certain behavior in a relationship, it's usually in the effort to prevent hurting others or myself. But I haven't given much consideration for God's reaction to my words and action. It made me want to be more senitive to God's "ouch", as Ken puts it.