My Heart Language

We are still reading the book on five love languages in our C20s Women group. I have been really enjoying this series. Today the chapter was about discovering our primary love language, and one of the paragraphs in the introduction grabbed my attention. It talked about one’s primary language:

“However, the language you learned to speak first, usually the language of your parents, will be your primary or native language. It has sometimes been called the ‘heart language’. Your native language is the one you understand best and communicates to you most clearly. You may speak very fluently a second language or even a third, but you will always be partial to your native language. "

On the way back from the group, I was having a discussion about this passage with Bethany (she is fluent in German). Then I realized something about my writing habit. When I write about my spirituality or something that matters very much to me, I hardly ever use Japanese. My native language is undoubtedly Japanese, but because I don't use it to express the innermost thoughts and feelings of my heart, it seemed a little odd to call it my "heart language".

This blog has been highly personal and intimate for me, and it felt quite comfortable to do it in English. I now keep online journal in Japanese too, but that one is much more superficial and never too serious. It's partly because most online journals / blogs my Japanese friends keep are relatively short (I presume it's because they often blog from their cell phones in Japan), and it would seem out of norm for me to keep an overly solem and lengthy entries. But I think the primary reason for my light writing in Japanese is that I feel too self-concious to spill my guts in Japanese. It feels too personal, and I feel too tender inside to dig around, analyze, and disect it in the language that I "understand best and communicate to me most clearly". Writing in English for me is in a way like putting on a persona, since it is not my native language. So I guess in that sense Japanese is my "heart language", after all.

I acquired most of my English skills after my pubity. I heard in my child and developmental psychology classes that there is a fundamental difference in language skills that are developed before and after one's pubity. There seems to be some kind of chemical that sets in after pubity and keeps us from learning languages like we used to be able to when we were little. So more than likely, the proficiency level of my pronounciation and other areas of my English skill will never reach that of the native speaker. I think I'm ok with that, especially now that I have realized English is providing me an unique outlet for self expression for the very reason. Because it was not present in my early years of development, English does not touch the core of my being in the threatening way Japanese does to me. The Japanese language must be closely tied to a bunch of fears that are under the surface of my conciousness.

I had never thought about it this way until tonight. Hmmm. I wonder if there will ever be the day I can express myself fearlessly in Japanese. If not, that's ok, too. I kind of enjoy writing in English. I'd be interested to find out what it's like for other people, though. I have newly developed respect for those brave people who pour out their heart in their "heart languages".

# 92 - This Is My Father's World

One of the devotionals Sarah sent me had a part of this song's rylic, and I loved it. I didn't know which song it was, so I googled the words, and it lead me to e-hymnal.com or something like that, where I found the whole song. Gotta love google.

1This is my Father's world, and to my listening ears all nature sings, and round me rings the music of the spheres. This is my Father's world: I rest me in the thought of rocks and trees, of skies and seas; his hand the wonders wrought.

2This is my Father's world, the birds their carols raise, the morning light, the lily white, declare their maker's praise. This is my Father's world: he shines in all that's fair; in the rustling grass I hear him pass; he speaks to me everywhere.

3This is my Father's world. O let me ne'er forget that though the wrong seems oft so strong, God is the ruler yet. This is my Father's world: why should my heart be sad? The Lord is King; let the heavens ring! God reigns; let the earth be glad!

My favorite part is "in the rustling grass I hear him pass; he speaks to me everywhere". It gives me a very nostalgic picture of myself as a littel girl, looking up at tall grass swaying in wind, mesmerized. I don't know what about the wind passing through tall grass that so captured me, but that was definately one of the moments I felt the strong presence of God. I remember standing there by the filed alone, wondering if the wind would blow and make grass sway even when there is nobody there to watch it. The image of the wind blowing over an unmanned filed somehow made me understand in a non-rational way that there is the Creator who lovingly maintains the order of the universe.

ELP

Yesterday, I had a supplier meeting at Honda East Liberty Plant in Ohio. One of the engineers gave Egawa-san and I a plant tour after the meeting. ELP is Honda’s assembly plant for Civic and Element. It’s rather impressive how various components go in to the facility from one end and come out as a complete car from the other end. I’ve never visited an assembly plant, and I was fascinated!

Humongous arm like robots were holding car frames and welding them together in their weld shop. The process is 99% automated. There was something really amusing in a way these massive chunk of metal and wires move so gracefully and with precision. The monster arms are probably about 12 feet tall, and there are about a dozen of them in line. They pass car frames down from one to the next, more than 10 feet up in the air in a fluid motion. There is almost a musical rhythm to the flow. It reminded me of watching a flying trapeze or something.

My favorite part of the tour was the actual assembly line for each component. From what I read in my classes about the history of modern manufacturing, I had a fairly negative image of the assembly line production; that it is repetitive, insulting to the intelligence of the worker, and it produces a large number of disposable unskilled labors. I think the books were referring particularly about the early assembly line production developed by Henry Ford. You know those old pictures of an assembly line where workers line up in front of a conveyor? That is really degrading, I think. Standing in the same spot all day, being pushed to produce more and more by lifeless components coming from upstream one after another. Although I love the mural for its energy, Diego Rivera’s painting of the Ford plant in the DIA also added to my distaste for assembly line production.

In any case what I saw at ELP didn’t give me the impression of people mindlessly slaving away. At least it didn’t look like people were treated merely as a part of larger mechanism to churn out the product. The workers were working in teams, talking to each other, walking around, and many of them were smiling.

Another thing is that their facility is very clean and extremely well organized. Honda workers all ware white uniforms. It shows their commitment for a neat workplace, because when something gets dirty, it will show up very quickly on whites and calls somebody’s attention to clean it up. SO unlike me (I never buy white clothes for the very reason), but it’s cool.

They also have these completely automated carts that go around in the plant and drop off parts at set locations. It’s totally the application of AI. Apparently they are the state of the art, best and newest version available for the industry (thus costing whopping $150,000/cart or so. I saw about a couple dozens of them. It made me wonder how much money Honda has made off the exploitation of us suppliers.) We were told, though, at this point it’s still cheaper to hire somebody to drive a cart than to buy that thing. Hmmm. There are technology worshippers in every organization.

By the way, new civic looks pretty sweet. I really liked the new color selection they had. The interior is much nicer than the one I have, too. And naturally, more expensive.

My Wrinkly Days

God is giving me all sorts of opportunities to practice "showing grace" at work.

I wasn't doing too well on Tuesday, and snapped at my co-worker. He wasn't even being mean to me, but I just got very frustrated with our phone conversation that wasn't going anywhere. The way I talked to him was definitely not the way I want to be talked to.

I noticed the last couple of weeks I had this big frown on my face a lot at work. It will curve wrinkles in my face and makes me age!

Then yesterday, Egawa-san and I went to attend a meeting at Honda in East Liberty, OH. Before I launch into what happened, I want to note that I LOVE Egawa-san. He is the nicest boss I ever worked for. I actually have been very blessed with my supervisors, but he's the best one yet. He's so easy going, and cares for me like I'm his daughter. And at the same time, he treats me with an amazing level of dignity and respect as an equal partner at work. Coming from a very male-dominated industry in a conservative society of Japan, he's unbelievably wonderful. I know I should never take him for granted or abuse his patience for me, yet I get short with him quite a bit.

During the meeting we sat at the very back row. While the speaker is talking, he would say stuff like "Ah, they sure like this stupid paperwork, don't they?" in a loud voice. (Honda does require horrendous amount of paperwork, by the way). Granted most people around us were American and Egawa-san was speaking in Japanese, there were still some Japanese associates from Honda, too. Towards the end of the meeting, he started flipping pages in a booklet for the presentation with a lot of noise. I got a strong urge to shush him and say "Can't you flip the pages a little more quietly!? People are looking at us, wondering what our problems are!!" I barely managed to keep my mouth shut, reciting in my head "The only person who can embarrass me is me. I don't have to take responsibility for what other people do".

Then I remembered what I read in my devotional from the book of Proverb the night before. It was about Proverb 17:9:

He who covers over an offense promotes love,

but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.

The author of the book talked about a story of his professor at the seminary he attended. When the professor was young and just got on the tenure-track, an old preacher came to the school and gave a sermon. The old preacher spoke from his heart and many people were deeply touched by it. But the preacher came from an uneducated background, and a couple of things he said in the sermon were academically incorrect. So being a pompous young scholar that he was, the professor busted on him in front of everybody. Later the professor really felt the grieving of the Holy Spirit and wrote to the preacher, asking for forgiveness. The preacher wrote him back a short letter:

"Dear Charles,
Forgiven, Forgotten, Forever.
Your loving friend, James."

When the author of the devotional heard this story, the professor was in his seventies, and still had the letter after many decades. The love that the preacher showed had a such lasting impact on the professor, and was passed onto the next generation.

I pray that God will make me the promoter of love like that, instead of the one who "repeats the matter", which I have the tendency to be.

Besides, it's better for my youthful appearance, you know? I will look better longer if I went around smiling, rather than have the frown on my face all the time.

Showing Grace

The recurring theme in my life since the last week has been "showing grace" in relationships. Actually, the theme wasn't titled until this morning when I read Sarah's blog. She talked about a certain situation in which someone hurt her feelings. Instead of striking back, God led her to remain silent, telling her to "show grace" toward that person.

This reminded me of the situation I was in last week. I received a couple of e-mails from one of my co-workers, which I felt were unnecessarily hostile. I think I handled that situation pretty well, but I still felt the need to prove how wrong he was for doing that. So I talked about it with my boss and a couple of friends, though the whole time I felt God was telling me "You don't have to strike back, you don't even have to take offense".

Then yesterday, pastor Ken talked about relationships as "sacred grounds" where everything said and done there matters, because our God is the god of relationship. He is involved in every relationship there is, and that includes not just relationships with our family and friends, but also relationships with co-workers, classmates, and total strangers. I'm not beating myself up over an automatic reaction I had towards my co-worker's action, but it gave me something to think about.

Back trucking a little bit to Saturday morning, I woke up in a funky mood, and was feeling pretty wretched about amends I felt somebody owed me. It's an entirely different situation from the one I had with my co-worker, but similar in the way I feel justified to be resentful about. What bothers me the most, I realized, is the fact that I cannot prove to them their perception of me (whatever that may be, I actually don't know) is wrong. I picked up a daily prayer book for women, and read a chapter on "when I'm struggling with rejection". At the end, it said something like "I can't change what people say or think about me. But God, help me to find peace in knowing that You know who I am". After that I had a conversation with Garrett about this, and I realized how much I focus on hurtful experiences in the past to define who I am, while almost entirely ignoring affirmations my family and friends shower me with through their words and actions. Hmmm. This seems very much like a tactic of the enemy to distort my self-image.

Yesterday night, I discussed about it further with my sponsor Melody. She shared with me how her ex-husband never made amends to her about their broken marriage, even though she made an amends to him. She was resentful about it for a while, but realized later it was actually a backhanded favor for her, since that made it easier for her to leave the past behind and move on. She also reminded me that amends belong to the ones who make them, and it's none of my business whether or not they decide to make them to me. By making amends, people can be made right before God and those who they wronged. So amends are more for the offender's own benefit than for those who receive them. Melody didn't tell me what to do, but I understood that I can be set free when I quit taking somebody else's moral inventory and start caring for my own (which is in a dire need of maintenance).

Speaking of the moral inventory, what pastor Ken said on Sunday about how God grieves over negative things we do and say in our relationships hit me. In addition to showing grace, I have been struggling with various issues in my relationships with others. When I try avoiding certain behavior in a relationship, it's usually in the effort to prevent hurting others or myself. But I haven't given much consideration for God's reaction to my words and action. It made me want to be more senitive to God's "ouch", as Ken puts it.

New Year's Resolution

I have two new year's resolutions this year. Now that I think about it, I haven't had any new year's resolution for quite a few years.

Both of my resolutions are related to memory:

First one is to remember people's name.
I’m really bad at remembering people’s name. I’m also horrible at memorizing numbers, too. I wonder if there is any correlation between these two. During the EC, I met many new people, and I really liked them very much. Then I’d be having a half an hour conversation with them or worse yet, praying for them, and come to a situation in which I have to call their name. Some of them were even my small group members who I had been hanging out with for a couple of days by then. And I (the small group leader for goodness sake) couldn’t remember their name! Arrrgh! So I’d be like “Ah…What was your name again?” in the middle of a prayer. So lame.

When I was talking about it after the conference, somebody said it’s just a matter of attitude. True, if my life depended on it, I would probably remember anybody’s name. But it’s not that I wasn’t interested in these people whose name I couldn’t remember. It’s generally easier to remember somebody’s name if I know somebody else who has the same name. Another helpful thing for me is a story that goes with the name. Like who the person is named after, why their parents picked that name, and the meaning of the Kanji or Chinese characters for their names, etc. I don’t always have a chance to ask people questions about their names and let it sink in my memory, though. It gets very difficult when I’m meeting a bunch of people at once, like I was at the EC. We had name tugs hanging down from our necks, but they ALWAYS flipped to show the backside. Is there anyway we can make the name tugs printed on the both sides? I’d be willing to pay a few dollars more in registration fees for that.

My second resolution is to remember where I can find certain Bible verses.
I have vague memory of many verses, but I don’t know where in the Bible I can find them. Switching back and forth between Japanese and English Bible adds to my confusion. A lot of times I know which book these verses are in, but you know, there are 150 chapters in the Psalm alone. It’s not as bad as forgetting somebody’s name while I’m praying for them, but flipping the Bible pages for 20 minutes, looking for a relevant verse in the middle of a spiritual conversation is, also very lame.

I’m not that old, but my memory seems to be steadily deteriorating. It would probably do me some good to make an effort to reverse that.

Love Incarnated

The theme of the EC05 was "Love incarnated - this is the way you live". "incarnated" is kind of a strange word to be used in a Christian conference. It sounds almost heretical, because I would normally associate the word incarnation with Buddhism. But I think they used this word on purpose to express the uniqueness of this ministry as a gathering of Japanese Christians, with a little bit of intended shock value. I like the fact that different ethnic groups seek the understanding of God from the frame work of their own culture and concepts. No matter where they start, people seem to find their way to Jesus in search of the truth. And different perspectives reveal different aspects of God, who is too big for the comprehensive understanding by any one culture.

When I see the explanation for the theme "Love incarnated", it's actually quite biblical. They used a picture of a canned "chili con carne - chili with meat" as an explanatory illustration. The word "carne" in Spanish means meat or flesh. So from its Latin origin, the word "in-carna-ted" means "to become flesh". God is love, and the love that became flesh was Jesus, and He is the Way we live. The whole conference revolved around the concept of living the life of Jesus, which revealed the Father's love.

Murrieta Hot Springs

Equipper Conference was AMAZING. There is just way too much that I want to write about. I want to keep record of things God has done during the EC05, so I will try to post a little bit at a time over the next few days.

First of all, Murrieta Hot Springs was GORGEOUS. The retreat center belongs to the Calvary Chapel Bible College, and it used to be a resort. Many buildings they have are in Tuscan style (I think?) with white walls with Adobe roof tiles. There are winding paths that go through the property, paved with stones and tiles in different colors. Palm trees, roses, and other flowers are planted along the paths. I really liked somewhat vine like plant with bright magenta flowers, which I don't know the name of. The coolest feature in this place is a bunch of hot springs scattered along these paths. The retreat center is on a hill, and an artificial rive is flowing down from the top along the winding paths. They trap the current here and there, and made hot spring pools. At night, the paths are lit up with lamps, and it looks dream like beautiful with flowers blooming in soft light, surrounded by the steam coming up from the hot springs. Coming from Michigan, where everything is in various shades of gray around this time of the year, this burst of colors and fragrances was rather shocking.

Needless to say, the weather was wonderful (it's California. What else do I expect?) It rained a little bit on the last day, but other than that, it was mostly long sleevee T-shirt to very light jacket kind of climate. I just LOVED that. The place where we stayed was pretty much like hotels, too. I was pleasantly surprised, because I half expected ghetto collage dorm rooms. It was almost like I died and went to heaven!

One thing I really regret is not bringing my camera!!!! I pulled these pics from their web site, but they don't have any pics of the paths I love so much. I MUST go back there again in 2007. Too bad they don't have EC next year...