Who Shall...

separate us from the love of Christ?

I was looking through pictures from a few years back. There were two periods of my life when I was pretty overweight - in my late teens and mid-twenty's.

Honestly the sight of these pictures made me flinch. I remembered how much I loathed myself back then and got really scared to gain weight again. To avoid the anxiety the thought evokes, I had never faced why or how it happened. I always said it was stress and rightfully so. But exactly what kind of stress was it...?

During both of these periods I was experiencing an intense pain of rejection.　The loneliness we feel with other people around can be more devastating than what we feel alone. Its effect was evident on my body and mind.

What I did not recognize until now is that I was trying to compensate by eating when I felt unloved. It’s a cliché, but I was trying to fill the void inside with food. Ironically I became less acceptable to those I so desperately longed to be loved by as a result.

In both instances my weight dropped off as God took me out of the situation and nurtured me back to the spiritual health by His grace. It was a bitter sweet process of pain and rejuvenation. I clearly remember feeling as if my true-self He has created in me was being uncovered from under the lipid layers.

I really enjoy eating and I love a quote by St. Augustine of South Africa - "Food is God's love made edible". Good food is truly a blessing from above.

This quote makes me think of the nature of eating disorders. Eating too much is an abuse of the good gift, and eating too little is to refuse it. And oh how often either one of these dysfunction stems from the mistreatment of other good gifts of love and affection!

God made us to be social beings and blessed us with joy of love for one another. But in the same way food is not meant to remedy emotional distress, human love and affection cannot meet the needs of our inner most being. Misused gifts turn sour…

The anxiety I feel about gaining weight is generated by the fear of rejection, which I know is one of the major strongholds in me. It seems like God is nudging me to come to Him with it by drawing my attention to how it manifests itself physically. But it’s like being handed an end of yarn that’s connected to a horrendously tangled ball of mess. There’s so much crap wrapped up in it and the prospect of untangling the darn thing bummes me out.

Then I came across somebody's blog that talked about Romans chapter 8.

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. Romans 8:38

What she wrote resonated with me; "...Even though these incidents can hurt us on the outside and tear apart our hearts, they can never diminish God's love..."

I can’t explain well but I felt like I was given an equipment to fight this battle. It wasn’t a direct answer to the questions I had, but that’s typical of God.

Knowing I have the indestructible love of God gives me peace beyond understanding and courage to face what life may bring, weather it would be a hardship that comes from the outside or infirmity of my heart. Please, please, please let me hold onto to His love and not create a golden calf when the going gets rough.

And even when I can't hold on, neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.