On Fear – from the story of Elijah - I

A sermon I heard about a month ago really resonated with me. It was on dependence on God, and the theme has become very relevant in my life lately.

In the physical world, independence is often considered the sign of one’s maturity. On the contrary spiritual maturity manifests itself in dependence on God.

An interesting observation the speaker made was that rising fear tends to be an indication for our independence from God. When our dependence on God decreases, our fear level goes up.

Fear cripples us.

After one of the most dramatic showdowns in the Old Testament, “the power of the LORD came upon Elijah and, tucking his cloak into his belt, he ran ahead of Ahab all the way to Jezreel. (I Kings 18:46)”

Mind you, he was running down-hill from the top of the Mt. Carmel, where he confronted Baal’s prophets. The distance to the city of Jezreel was about 20 miles and he out-ran the king’s chariot in the matter of hours, which probably wasn’t the slowest thing in the country.

That’s some serious dose of holy dope.

In a striking contrast Elijah covered less than 5 miles a day when he was on the run from vengeance of Jezebel. It took him 40 days and nights to reach the Mt. Horeb…

This time he acted out of fear instead of relying on God to protect him.

How could Elijah, after seeing God work so mightily, be seized by fear of a mere woman? And how could I, after experiencing God’s deliverance time after time, still be paralyzed by fear?

It seems like a pattern for God’s people to end up wondering in the wilderness for 40 days or years when they act out of fear. Though God still provides in the desert, I really rather not go there.

So my prayer is to replace all my fear with faith in Him. Dear Lord, have mercy on me. I want to run again.

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7

Freedom Meal

“This is the freedom meal”, our assistant pastor Donnel proclaimed as he invited the congregation to join the Lord’s Supper.

It was the first time I heard (or noticed) the communion being referred to as such.

He went on saying, “When you take this meal, would you be mindful that it is the celebration for the redemption of the exiled…?”

Never have I realized the Lord’s Supper is the feast that the Father puts on to welcome prodigal children back Home.

The communion often evoked a sense of guilt and anxiety rather than joy and thanksgiving in me. I’m thankful for the atonement it represents, but I’ve been troubled by the instruction to examine one-self before taking the communion.

More often than not self-examination makes me feel like I’m NOT in the right place or repented enough of my sin or what have you. Basically, I was afraid that I’m taking the communion in an “unworthy manner”, which Paul speaks of in I Corinthians chapter 11, therefore being guilty of sinning against the body and blood of Christ.

But the redemption for all my inequities is already done, right? And isn’t the Lord’s Supper a reminder of the grace, which made the unworthy one (me) worthy to begin with??

So confused and nervous, I’ve been taking the communion with a hope that God is ok with my “to the best of ability” self-examination job.

The phrase “Freedom Meal” dispelled my duty-bound notion of how the communion should be received and opened up the door to the party house.

I went back to Paul’s writing in the I Corinthians chapter 11, and realized he’s not necessarily telling readers to be holy and blameless in order to receive the Lord’s Supper. What he does convey in the verse 29 is to “recognize the body of the Lord”, meaning understanding what the communion is about. Thus “unworthy manner” does not refer to the state of sinfulness but not acknowledging the power and grace of Corpus Christi.

I HAD IT ALL WRONG!!!!!

Yes, there should be an element of solemn reflection in receiving the communion. But it doesn’t end there. There’s more to be savored…heavenly generosity to be celebrated.

For the first time ever I almost skipped my way up to take a part in the feast, free, free, free, at last from the feeling of inadequacy.

Who Shall...

separate us from the love of Christ?

I was looking through pictures from a few years back. There were two periods of my life when I was pretty overweight - in my late teens and mid-twenty's.

Honestly the sight of these pictures made me flinch. I remembered how much I loathed myself back then and got really scared to gain weight again. To avoid the anxiety the thought evokes, I had never faced why or how it happened. I always said it was stress and rightfully so. But exactly what kind of stress was it...?

During both of these periods I was experiencing an intense pain of rejection.　The loneliness we feel with other people around can be more devastating than what we feel alone. Its effect was evident on my body and mind.

What I did not recognize until now is that I was trying to compensate by eating when I felt unloved. It’s a cliché, but I was trying to fill the void inside with food. Ironically I became less acceptable to those I so desperately longed to be loved by as a result.

In both instances my weight dropped off as God took me out of the situation and nurtured me back to the spiritual health by His grace. It was a bitter sweet process of pain and rejuvenation. I clearly remember feeling as if my true-self He has created in me was being uncovered from under the lipid layers.

I really enjoy eating and I love a quote by St. Augustine of South Africa - "Food is God's love made edible". Good food is truly a blessing from above.

This quote makes me think of the nature of eating disorders. Eating too much is an abuse of the good gift, and eating too little is to refuse it. And oh how often either one of these dysfunction stems from the mistreatment of other good gifts of love and affection!

God made us to be social beings and blessed us with joy of love for one another. But in the same way food is not meant to remedy emotional distress, human love and affection cannot meet the needs of our inner most being. Misused gifts turn sour…

The anxiety I feel about gaining weight is generated by the fear of rejection, which I know is one of the major strongholds in me. It seems like God is nudging me to come to Him with it by drawing my attention to how it manifests itself physically. But it’s like being handed an end of yarn that’s connected to a horrendously tangled ball of mess. There’s so much crap wrapped up in it and the prospect of untangling the darn thing bummes me out.

Then I came across somebody's blog that talked about Romans chapter 8.

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. Romans 8:38

What she wrote resonated with me; "...Even though these incidents can hurt us on the outside and tear apart our hearts, they can never diminish God's love..."

I can’t explain well but I felt like I was given an equipment to fight this battle. It wasn’t a direct answer to the questions I had, but that’s typical of God.

Knowing I have the indestructible love of God gives me peace beyond understanding and courage to face what life may bring, weather it would be a hardship that comes from the outside or infirmity of my heart. Please, please, please let me hold onto to His love and not create a golden calf when the going gets rough.

And even when I can't hold on, neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.